“When I was a teenager and had a crush on a straight boy, I just repressed it and suffered.”
Mr. Ajayi, episode 2, Heartstopper
First of all, retweet.
Secondly, I watched all of Heartstopper in a single night.
To say that this show is relatable is an understatement. To say that it brought on a depression spiral is also an understatement.
Heartstopper is a Netflix show based on a webcomic by Alice Oseman about two teenage boys falling in love. It is a sugary sweet coming-of-age tale with a wonderful cast and cute story. Oseman stated that the show is ultimately about teens for teens. This is a departure from most teen shows now, like Euphoria and Riverdale which are about teens (played by actors who look like full-grown adults) for an adult audience. They focus on drugs, alcohol, sex, and violence. Enter Heartstopper with milkshake dates, cutesy animations, and anxiety-inducing text conversations.
I have read and watched plenty of LGBTQ+ content but none hit the same saccharine note as this Heartstopper. This is owed to the wonderful story by Oseman, the incredible acting of Kit Connor (Nick) and Joe Locke (Charlie) and the rest of the cast, the beautiful film work with the animation in the style of the comic, and the incredible soundtrack. Mostly, though, it was because Heartstopper paints what it really feels like to be a teenager dealing with these feelings. And it showed me everything I missed out on.
I didn’t come out until I was 21, and that was only to friends and family (or to one family member who immediately told the rest, which was the plan so actually it worked out pretty great). The idea of being out at 15 was terrifying. The idea of other people finding out is literally where my trauma comes from (don’t quote me on that, I’m not a therapist I just love to psychoanalyze my own issues). The few kids who did inevitably come out in high school weren’t exactly treated in the kindest of ways. There were so many jokes behind their backs and rumors flying around, and that’s only what I personally witnessed. Who knows what they were going through. It was unthinkable at the time to be out.
I remember having my first crush in elementary school — if you went to school with me, you didn’t see this — and I repressed it immediately. I had never heard of boys having crushes on other boys. It wasn’t in the books I read or shows I watched. Following that logic, it wasn’t a thing that was okay to feel. This led to more than a decade of isolation and loneliness and coping mechanisms that I’m still working on fixing. Being out at 15 felt utterly impossible. Honestly, admitting to crushes is still difficult for me now.
Despite not having the sugary, butterfly-fluttering high school romance, I still found so many relatable moments in Heartstopper. When Nick Googled the “am I gay quiz” I was laughing at the ridiculousness of it because that’s exactly what I did. I remember the pit in my chest when the quiz said I probably was gay. I remember the anxiety overwhelming me the way it does the characters in the show, the build up of static that leaves you unable to breathe or think straight — no pun intended. I remember feeling like an overwhelming burden to the people around me (in fact, I still feel that way most of the time). I remember the excitement of getting a text from someone that you like, be it a friend or, in hindsight, a crush. I remember the relief and happiness I felt when I finally did come out, even if it was as an adult and not a teenager.
So, while I wanted to cry at everything that I didn’t have the chance to experience, I am so overcome with happiness that something like Heartstopper exists now. Imagine getting to see this show at a young age and getting excited about having crushes instead of being terrified. Imagine getting to see someone on TV just like you.
The show displays a beautifully diverse and talented cast. It shows the happy moments for characters who are gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender while not shying away from the hardships. The difference is, that while most media defines the queer characters by their trauma, Heartstopper doesn’t. These kids are more than their trauma. They are their excitement and innocence, their teenage hormones and mistakes made, their fights and their reunions. They’re allowed to just be kids.
Watching this show put me through a hurricane of feelings. There is no changing my experience and there is no erasing my issues, but I am so happy that young queer kids get to have something so amazing. Everyone deserves to be open and have that first crush, that first love. I can’t imagine experiencing it in high school but I bet it’s pretty amazing. I am at least happy in the knowledge that queer kids have the opportunities that I didn’t.
