Content warning: this piece contains discussions of suicidal ideation, self harm, and depression as well as minor spoilers for Donnie Darko.
I watched Donnie Darko for the first time when I was thirteen years old; the summer before I began high school. I had discovered Jake Gyllenhaal and wanted to watch more of his work. Donnie Darko had looked interesting, so I gave it a try. It was probably the best possible time I could have seen this movie. I had just finished eighth grade, which, to be frank, was probably the worst year of my life.
Middle school is already pretty awful, and I had been diagnosed with chronic anxiety and depression, met with three or four different therapists, and tried a myriad of medications. I began self harming and even had a suicide attempt. My parents were supportive and tried their best to help me, but mental illness is something you can’t fully understand unless you experience it yourself. I knew I worried my loved ones and wished I could be better so things would be easier for them. By the end of the school year I wasn’t feeling as bad, but it was still an ongoing struggle.
Cue my first viewing of Donnie Darko, a cult classic I had never heard about before discovering it myself. It follows the month of October 1988 in the life of a teenager named Donnie Darko (Jake Gyllenhaal). In one of the first scenes, the audience learns that he takes medication for “emotional problems,” but his sister informs their mother that he has stopped taking them. That night, while Donnie is woken up by a disembodied voice and led outside, a jet engine falls into his bedroom, meaning he was saved by his “hallucination.” The disembodied voice turns out to be a man in a bunny suit with a creepy mask, whose name is Frank. As the month continues, he learns more from Frank and carries out various actions that Frank instructs him to.
While what Donnie does for Frank isn’t always permissible, especially in the eyes of the law, Donnie is never told to hurt anyone and is never portrayed as dangerous. For example, he floods his school during the night while no one is there and burns down the house of a man who turns out to run a child pornography ring, which comes to light due to Donnie’s actions. This stuck out to me — in movies, people who have mental illnesses are usually portrayed as evil or dangerous (think Michael Myers from Halloween). Donnie isn’t a perfect character by any means, but his flaws aren’t a result of his “emotional problems” or paranoid schizophrenia (which he is diagnosed with later on in the film). In fact, he seems to almost be a “chosen one,” which manifests as the “issues” he has. Donnie Darko toes the line between almost making Donnie the hero for the problems he has (almost as if he doesn’t have mental illnesses at all, he is just seeing various things because he is the “chosen one”), while still getting the message across that his life has been made harder because of these issues.
His relationship with his parents is interesting. It can be strained at times, as most teenagers’ relationships with their parents are, but he ultimately knows they love and support him. They are never afraid of him, they just want what’s best for him. For example, during a conversation Donnie has with his father, he asks his dad if he’s crazy. His dad responds immediately, saying “You’re not crazy. I used to be crazy,” making Donnie laugh, and assuring him that even if he does have mental illnesses, it doesn’t make him a bad person. Later, his mom discovers a drawing of Donnie’s depicting Frank and Donnie asks, “how does it feel to have a wacko for a son?” to which she responds, “it feels wonderful.” She loves Donnie, which means she loves every part of him, and she lets him know. Viewing Donnie be relatively open about his issues with his family and his girlfriend feels like a breath of fresh air. It doesn’t feel forced or awkward, which can be hard to find in media depicting mental illness.
I hadn’t fully understood what I had just watched (if you have seen the movie, you probably know what I mean), but it evoked an extremely strong reaction from me. For the last fifteen minutes of the film, I couldn’t stop crying. As the credits rolled, I had to put effort into regaining my composure. For a movie that is very dark and has a “sad” ending, it turned out to be a source of comfort for me, and still is to this day. Despite not having schizophrenia, I see myself reflected in Donnie and the way he feels alienated by the world around him. After a year of dealing with my messed up brain, I was tired. I didn’t know if things would ever get easier. Seeing Donnie experience hardships similar to mine and still be the hero of his story inspired me. I always think I’m less than everyone else because of the struggles I face, but Donnie Darko helped me deconstruct and analyze that line of thinking, and I realized that it’s wrong.
Donnie and I aren’t very much alike. Donnie is a character I thought I wouldn’t relate to at all, but I was wrong. When it comes down to it, Donnie is a caring person who is put through a very difficult situation and ends up saving the people he loves at the expense of himself. When I need to be brave, I think of Donnie.
When Donnie first meets his girlfriend Gretchen Ross (Jena Malone), she says “Donnie Darko? What the hell kind of name is that? It’s like some sort of superhero or something.” Donnie responds, “What makes you think I’m not?” Looking back, I realize that Donnie kind of is a superhero to me, despite how cheesy that sounds. This movie is usually loved for different reasons than mine ― for the sci-fi aspect, or because Donnie is seen as an “edgy” character who says what’s on his mind. I think these are definitely part of the film’s appeal, but to end it there is selling Donnie Darko short. Upon closer inspection, the film is an examination of the hardships of mental illness, albeit not perfectly, but it’s inspiring nonetheless.
