This is the second installment of Unconventionally Hot Monsters: a collection of essays about the monsters we love to tie in with our latest Zine.
What are the qualities we most value in a romantic partner? At the top of the list: kindness, loyalty, sensitivity, a sense of humor. Also, being alive, and not deceased, is definitely a plus. We must, however, be willing to accept flaws in order to find happiness. After all, we are only human, as the good lord made us, and none of us are without drawbacks.
For instance, Jack Goodman in An American Werewolf in London is dead. But other than that, he’s a real dream date.
Why should you consider dating Jack Goodman, even though he is no longer living? Here’s but a few of his shining qualities:
He’s bold.
When Jack (played by Griffin Dunne) and his best pal David (David Naughton) enter the Slaughtered Lamb, their reception from the regulars is chilly at best. They’re outsiders, tourists, and their kind is not often seen in the tiny village. It turns out that there’s a reason their entrance into the pub is treated with hostility, but for a little while Jack and David, in desperate need of shelter, simply endure the cold stares. Eventually, though, Jack insists on breaking the ice by loudly asking for an explanation of the sigil drawn on the wall across from them. It doesn’t really get them anywhere, but it’s better than David just meekly sitting there and squirming with discomfort.
Conclusion: Jack’s the kind of guy who will get things done. If you were on a dream date with Jack and were waiting in a long line at a restaurant, he’d politely but firmly ask the hostess how long it will be until a table is available (provided the restaurant does not have a strict “customers must be alive” policy).
He’s adventurous.
Before he’s tragically torn to shreds by a werewolf, Jack was on a whirlwind trip to England, with what appears to be only a single backpack carrying his possessions. He’s not interested in tourist nonsense like Buckingham Palace, he’s out in the farmlands of Yorkshire, riding on the backs of pickup trucks full of sheep, getting in touch with the people. Sure, he and David both immediately get lost while trying to stay on the road, but without Google Maps how well would any of us do?
Conclusion: Jack is always ready for a good time, and as your dream date would be willing to take off for parts unknown at a moment’s notice (please check your airline’s rules on bringing a corpse on board).
He has a great sense of humor.
Even those unfortunate souls who have only seen An American Werewolf in London once will recall that Jack has a wonderfully wry, sarcastic sense of humor. He and David have a great repartee that illustrates the depth of their longtime friendship, and mere seconds before a werewolf treats him like a roast beef sandwich he’s cracking jokes. Not even death itself can keep a good jokester down, as reflected in Jack’s sarcastic remark to David that talking to a corpse is “boring.” That’s actually a lie, though, because with Jack, despite being very, very dead, life would be a non-stop romp of love and laughter.
Conclusion: Your friends may initially be concerned that you have chosen to date a person who is visibly decomposing, but once they meet Jack and he gets off a few zingers about what those clowns in Congress are doing lately, they’ll come to adore him as much as you do.
He’s compassionate.
When Jack returns from the dead to tell David that they were attacked by a werewolf, and that, unless he kills himself, David is destined to become a werewolf and kill people, there’s a sweetly mournful tone to his voice. “Please don’t cry,” he tells a distraught David in one scene, and it’s clear that, even in the afterlife, Jack still deeply cares about his friend and what happens to him. It’s a rare horror movie friendship that feels beautifully fleshed out and lived in, and we wish we had gotten to spend more time with Jack and David when they were both still alive.
Conclusion: Sick pet? Turned down for a big promotion? Jack will be there for you, with kindness and patience, and perhaps a bouquet of flowers to make you feel better. As a bonus, it will mask the putrid odor of rotting flesh.
He’ll visit you in the hospital.
Other than some officious public servants and a foxy nurse who eventually takes him home with her, David’s only visitor when he’s laid up in the hospital is Jack, who seems at least as eager for his company as he is to warn David about what’s going to happen during the next full moon. Even if Jack hadn’t died under such gruesome circumstances, one gets the impression that he’d still cross the astral plane to spend a few minutes with David, just one last time.
Conclusion: Whether it’s for hernia surgery or something more serious, if you’re spending a few days in the hospital Jack will come to cheer you up, bringing a GET WELL SOON balloon and offering to run out and get you some ice cream if you want. Please allow for some discomfort from hospital staff at the sight of a mangled cadaver shambling around in the hallways.
He’s loyal.
Near the end of the film, Jack makes one last attempt to convince David that the only way to end the cycle of werewolf-induced violence is to commit suicide. He brings David into an adult theater and introduces him to the people he’s already killed, all of whom, like Jack, are doomed to walk the Earth until David is dead. As they blithely discuss how David should kill himself, preferably in the most painful way possible, Jack snaps, “Do you mind? The man’s a friend of mine.” Even dead, Jack stands up for David, aware of the terrible things he’s done but understanding that it isn’t his fault. He wants David to be at peace as much as he wants to be at peace himself.
Conclusion: Whatever conflicts you may encounter in life, Jack will stand beside you, whether you need advice or just a word of support. He’ll always have your back, even as he crumbles to dust.
Finally, and most importantly…
He’s very, very cute.
Those sweet eyes. That boyish grin. That greenish hue to his skin. Jack Goodman not only has a wonderful personality and a sparkling sense of humor, he’s cute as a button. Sure, eventually he’ll be a withered skeleton, but when you have a total package like that, you learn to overlook such minor drawbacks. After all, how good are you going to look when you’re dead?!? Try not to be so superficial, hmm?
Conclusion: Sure, other people’s boyfriends may be alive (and not dead), but they also forget birthdays, fart without excusing themselves, and swipe right on secret Tinder accounts. Jack, despite no longer being among the living, has all the qualities of the perfect partner, and will be there for you as long as nature allows him to keep standing. It might not be very long, but it could just be the love of a lifetime.
